Idol Conspiracy Theory

America has spoken and yes - we have a new American Idol. Last night America (i.e. the producers of Idol) crowned Carrie Something-or-other America's next Idol.

In the end my theory of the white-male supremacy ultimately fell apart, and Suzanne, with her uncanny ability of picking Idols and other false Gods, was right all along. My theory was based on the racial makeup of Idols of the past. In the past three seasons, America has managed to pass the Idol crown in the most diverse manner conceivable. How does America manage to pick such a socially diverse group of Idols you ask? My theory suggests that producers at Fox have more to do with this than actual Americans. Take a look at the progression:

Season I: White Female
Season II: Minority Male
Season II: Minority Female/Mother

According to my theory, this progression strongly suggests that this season's Idol be a White Male - who has probably fathered many children, which points to heart-throb rocker Bo Bice.
In the end, my theory was thrown out and Carrie, the southern bell from Oklahoma was crowned as this season's American Idol. Shortly after the results were announced, a bucket of pig blood and guts was dumped on her from above...oh, wait that was a different Carrie. That would have been pretty cool though.

Ryan Seacrest managed to take away yet two more hours of my life to convey this decision that ultimately took all of 13 seconds to deliver. How did Fox manage to fill the time you ask? The answer is simple: washed up musicians and shameless advertising and product promotion from a major car manufacturer that will remain unnamed . . . because they pay my salary.

The highlight of the evening came in the form of a surprise visit from America's favorite lifeguard, Mr. David Hasselhoff. As Hasselhoff came prancing down the aisle to meet his adoring fan (singular) it was obvious what he was thinking: "Sweet - I'm on TV again and Germans love me!"

Although the dissolution of my Idol theory does nothing to prove my long-standing theory, it also does nothing to disprove my theory that Germans love David Hasselhoff.

Seacrest -- Out.

On The Soap Box

So over the last several months between graduating and starting with Ford last month, I've had a lot of spare time on my hands. For the most part I have used that time doing productive things such as, looking for a job, doing the laundry, and writing my first book.

Occasionally, however, sometimes my time is diverted to less productive things. You know things like napping, daydreaming, and reading. As of late, Suzanne has helped me to see the value behind soap operas.

These brilliantly written story lines are not only incredibly fast paced, but they are also realistic, yet unpredictable. Due to the complex nature of soap opera plots, creating a successful soap presents quite a challenge. Many soaps start strong and quickly fade into the background.

After carefully reviewing several soap operas I have comprised a list of attributes that are sure to result in a bang-up soap opera.

1. All in the family - Everybody is somehow related to everybody else.
2. Inter-family hookups - Even though everybody is somehow related to everybody else, people are still hooking up - and that's ok for some reason.
3. Small quaint town - Everything transpires inside of a small, isolated town, usually on the outskirts of Metropolis or some similarly named urban city.
3. The villain - There's always a villain, and he or she somehow always controls everything in the town.
4. No one ever dies - People may appear to die, but they don't actually die, everyone else just thinks they are dead. This facilitates comebacks and unpredictable plot twists.
5. No ugly people - Even the characters that are supposed to be ugly are actually beautiful people with slight disfigurements.
6. Paternity tests do not exist - This breeds an air of uncertainty as to who the true father is.

If you combine each of these elements into a ridiculously slow-moving story line, you're guaranteed to produce a series of action-packed episodes - like sand through the hourglass.