Idol Conspiracy Theory

America has spoken and yes - we have a new American Idol. Last night America (i.e. the producers of Idol) crowned Carrie Something-or-other America's next Idol.

In the end my theory of the white-male supremacy ultimately fell apart, and Suzanne, with her uncanny ability of picking Idols and other false Gods, was right all along. My theory was based on the racial makeup of Idols of the past. In the past three seasons, America has managed to pass the Idol crown in the most diverse manner conceivable. How does America manage to pick such a socially diverse group of Idols you ask? My theory suggests that producers at Fox have more to do with this than actual Americans. Take a look at the progression:

Season I: White Female
Season II: Minority Male
Season II: Minority Female/Mother

According to my theory, this progression strongly suggests that this season's Idol be a White Male - who has probably fathered many children, which points to heart-throb rocker Bo Bice.
In the end, my theory was thrown out and Carrie, the southern bell from Oklahoma was crowned as this season's American Idol. Shortly after the results were announced, a bucket of pig blood and guts was dumped on her from above...oh, wait that was a different Carrie. That would have been pretty cool though.

Ryan Seacrest managed to take away yet two more hours of my life to convey this decision that ultimately took all of 13 seconds to deliver. How did Fox manage to fill the time you ask? The answer is simple: washed up musicians and shameless advertising and product promotion from a major car manufacturer that will remain unnamed . . . because they pay my salary.

The highlight of the evening came in the form of a surprise visit from America's favorite lifeguard, Mr. David Hasselhoff. As Hasselhoff came prancing down the aisle to meet his adoring fan (singular) it was obvious what he was thinking: "Sweet - I'm on TV again and Germans love me!"

Although the dissolution of my Idol theory does nothing to prove my long-standing theory, it also does nothing to disprove my theory that Germans love David Hasselhoff.

Seacrest -- Out.