Where's The Beef?

Life on the road means one thing: ...well wait - life on the road means a lot of things really, but if I were to chose one thing that life on the road means, and write a revolutionary article about how life on the road means that thing and include some witty remarks about the one thing and how life on the road means that thing --- oh, heck, now I'm all screwed up.

As a frequent traveler to our nation's highways and byways, I eat a lot of meals at fast-food restaurants. If I was 10 years old, this would be great - but I'm not. I am much older and possess much more wisdom of that of a 10 year-old boy. As such, I understand that fast food is not all it's cracked up to be.

I. Dairy Queen

I begin by relating an experience I had this very week with Dairy Queen. Apparently, Dairy Queen is the self-appointed Queen of dairy. Now if you are going to designate yourself as royalty in a certain area of commerce, you had better back it up before you ascend to the throne. Maybe the folks at Dairy Queen Inc. up in Minneapolis realized they were slipping and decided to go by "DQ" in hopes that consumers will forget that Dairy Queen was one day royalty. On with the story:

June 8th, 2005 - Meridian, Mississippi:

I've had a long day and have driven several hundred miles and met with three dealerships in two different cities. I roll into Meridian late in the evening and need to find dinner. After several arduous attempts to get the Dairy Queen drive-through clerk's attention, I ask for an Oreo Blizzard.

"I'm sorry - sir, ice cream machine's broken. We don't have any ice cream tonight."

I am a rational person. Machines break down. They possess many small, intricate parts. However, if you're not serving ice cream tonight you had better take down the sign. Tonight and for the time being, you are Dairy Knight or Dairy Prince or perhaps even the Duke of Dairy. A true queen of dairy, however, would never run out of ice cream.

I responded: "Okay...I'll go somewhere else."

And I did. No one goes to Dairy Queen for the food, it's all about the ice cream - and if they don't have it - done, gone, on to the next one.

II. Mac Donald's -- as it's called in the south

June 2005: Jackson, Mississippi:
When Ray Croc set out and created McDonald's his dream was one of defined processes that resulted in uniformity and quality. Yadda, yadda, yadda - that all went to pot. Now McDonald's is nothing more than a shell of what it once was. McDonald's only stays in business for three reasons:

1 - The Big Mac
2 - McGriddles
3 - Thousands and thousands of locations worldwide that collectively make billions of dollars (for whatever that's worth)

Undoubtedly, I take my business to McDonald's for one reason only: Reason #2. Those little McGriddles are addicting. The way they infuse the syrup directly into the pancake-like buns is amazing. So when it's breakfast time and I'm on the road, I'm going to McDonald's to get me some of those McGriddles.

I walked into McDonald's in downtown Jackson, Mississippi on a sticky Friday morning with one thing on my mind: McGriddles. As I walked in, however, I noted the absence of the friendly Visa/Mastercard emblem on the glass door.

"Do you accept Credit Cards?"
"No sir."
"What? You're kidding me. "
"No sir."
"But it's 2005."

How did the wave of technology miss McDonald's in Jackson, Mississippi.

"Sorry, we're getting a credit card machine next week."
"I'll go some where else for now."

So I hopped in the car and drove to a different McDonald's on my way to my first appointment for the day. To my good fortune, technology had already graced McDonald's of Canton, Mississippi with a credit card machine