Massive and Other Superlatives

If you are acquainted with other members of the Blair family and their respective blogs, then you have likely read their accounts of our journey to Cabo San Lucas by now and are sick of hearing about it. For that, I apologize. Although their fluffy, commercialized accounts do lend a partial truth to what happened, they are just that: a partial truth.

So get yourself a cold beverage, use the restroom, and sit back for the true Blair Mexican experience.

1. The Massive Papercut: You may have heard about it already. It was the slice heard around the world. I was trying to help Lindsay find something on a sheet of paper and without warning she turned on me. I do not know what it was that set her off, but I have never seen that look in her eyes. It was like a cat that had backed itself into a corner. I motioned harmlessly toward the piece of paper, and with one enormous swoop, she thrust the paper toward me -- pulling it sideways as she came. This sideways thrust turned an innocent piece of brilliant white paper into a weapon capable of penetrating flesh.

I tried to react and step back, but it was too late. The paper had already penetrated the space between my finger and fingernail, leaving in its wake a swath of exposed flesh. In a calm yet stern voice, I said: "Lindsay, you have given me a massive papercut."

Why massive? Lesser adjectives such as large, big, or huge simply would not convey the gravity of this wound. Within seconds, my body's circulatory system shifted blood flow from my head and vital organs to this gaping wound. With the cut being located underneath my fingernail, there was no way to mitigate the loss of blood.

As I struggled to remain on my feet, the first thought that entered my head was how I was going to swim in the salty ocean with this unconcealable wound. You would be happy to know that the wound has since healed and I am a stronger person for it.

2. Mexican Economy Soars: From the first time Julie and Lindsay made their way to the beachfront at the foot of our hotel, they were an easy mark for the natives who had come to peddle their wares. Within twenty minutes there was a swarm of white-clothed natives huddling around Julie and Lindsay. Although they both paid cash, Lindsay's financial backer turned out to be Mom. With the influx of American Dollars, the Mexican economy felt a slight bump during the week of May 26th, termed by analysts as the 'Blair Stimulus package.'

3. The Sunburn: The Blair family genes produce skin that is almost incapable of absorbing large amounts of sun without the assistance of sunscreen. Apparently, this was news to Lindsay. For some reason she assumed that because she was able to watch TV in her living room in Ogden, Utah without getting a sunburn, she would be able to spend hours on the beach in Cabo San Lucas ALSO without getting a sunburn.

Therefore after day 1, Lindsay spent the balance of the vacation fully-clothed on the beach. This did not prove problematic for her as it allowed her more time to stimulate the Mexican economy.

4. Cheap Sunglasses: When I arrived in Mexico, I had one goal in mind. I needed a pair of fake sunglasses. As it turns out, I have somewhat picky tastes. I found a pair I really liked but the seller was unwilling to accept five American dollars. Although, I really liked the glasses, I played it cool and resorted to wait for the right deal to come along.

Unfortunately, I never found that pair again. I did track down the same seller the following day. That coveted pair of sunglasses was no longer in his portfolio. When I indicated he did not have what I wanted, he presented a small plastic bag containing herbs. My street smarts told me these herbs were not harvested to add flavor to pasta.

I moved on -- quickly.

Prior to returning home, I did settle on a pair of sunglasses. It was very important that I paid less than the original asking price. After an internal debate I purchased a pair of Oakley's for $9.00 (original asking price was $11.00.) I am sure they are Oakley's because they said Oakley right on them and had an Oakley tag attached to them. For some reason, Oakley's in Mexico approximately 90% cheaper than in the United States.

5. No Bad Days: It started as a simple recommendation for a restaurant. Mom picked up an inside track scoop on a great place for lunch following our very fun snorkeling outing. The place was called "The Roadhouse." Our directions to said location were far from complete. We knew it was close to Costco, which had become our central point of reference during our visit.

We ended up having to ask for directions from the natives. We were fortunate that we had a native Spanish speaker in our Grand Caravan: Julie. After sending Julie into a Hotel, gas station, restaurant, and Costco -- all of which yielding no results -- we began to wonder of "The Roadhouse" actually existed or if we were chasing an invisible dream.

Hunger and disappointment quickly turned to panic as Dad took a shortcut down a dirt road and before we knew it we were being followed by a couple of natives in this Mad Max-inspired Lincoln Town Car. Fortunately, Dad was very adept in navigating the side streets as this was not his first time being lost in a central American ghetto that week.

After barely escaping Mad Max with our lives a stroke of luck pointed us in the right direction. Before we knew it, there it was ahead on the right, like a mirage: "The Roadhouse."

From the sign you can see that "The Roadhouse" is open six days a week but closed Tuesday. It was Tuesday. The restaurant's theme is "There are no bad days." Tuesday was a bad day.

All kidding aside, it was a great vacation. For the first time since the C-Monster was born, Suzanne and I got to be irresponsible newlyweds again. Aside from the adventures listed above, we also got to take a water taxi over to Lover's beach. Dad and I also hiked over to Divorce beach -- seriously, that is what it is called. It was a great vacation and we are very grateful to Mom and Dad for making it happen. I think it will be a long time before a vacation like this happens again.

Thanks Mom and Dad.