Cell Phone Replacement Program

After weeks of proving myself worthy, it finally came time for Ford Motor Company to issue me a cell phone. Up until this point I had been borrowing one from another division inside the company.

My new and shiny cell phone was supposed to come from another co-worker who had been using it previously. Knowing nothing but her name, there was nothing for me to do but wait until she saw it prudent to introduce herself to me and pass the phone on.

I remember going over some reports at a table in the middle of the office and glancing over and seeing what looked like a block of wood. It was not a block of wood - it was a block of cellular phone. This phone/block of wood was old school all the way. It had a big long antenna and looked like one of those phones a soldier would use on the battlefield that is wired up to a transmitter the soldier carries on his back.

This phone was so big and bulky, I wondered how it could ever be powered by a single battery. I wouldn't have been surprised if it ran on gas and had a pull start. That was how archaic this thing was.

"Whose phone is that" I thought. "That is one piece of crap phone. Glad it's not mine."

Dangerous thoughts.

Somewhere near the end of the day, I finally found out who this co-worker was that was supposed to be giving me my shiny new phone. When I asked her for the phone she said:

"I already gave it to you."
"What? I don't have it. When did you give it to me?"
"I sat it down on the table next to you."

Instantly my mind flashed back to that walkie-talkie/block of wood sitting on the desk in the other room.

"Oh no. Surely not that old cell phone/block of wood."
"Yeah. And you'll need to go buy a charger for it because the battery is dead."
"Wonderful!"

I have a 1995 Nokia 2 with: no wall charger, no car charger, and a dead battery for the hat trick.

I found the phone, and sure enough the battery was dead. I asked the office secretary if it would be possible to get another phone.

"Only when that one stops working."
"Hmmm...."

Surely I couldn't intentionally break this old phone/block of wood. Could I? No....I shouldn't, I can't -- I won't.

After nonchalantly throwing out some passively sarcastic statements about my cool new phone/block of wood, I got my boss and his boss interested in my plight.

"Wow, that is one old phone/block of wood."
"I know. I don't even have a charger for it."
"You should have them order a new phone."
"I can't - well, at least not until this thing breaks."

The room draws silent - the door closes - and the plot thickens.

"I think we need to arrange a breakage plan."
"Well...I don't know...I mean...You're the boss."

(Or technically, the boss's boss.)

Nothing was done at the time, but I saw light at the end of the cell phone/block of wood tunnel.

The next day an unnamed member of management paid a visit to my spacious cubicle and asked to 'borrow' my cell phone.

"Why of course. But under one condition -- do not break it, for I am very attached to this handy little phone/block of wood."

I went back to work. As I worked I could hear muffled sounds coming from the office down the hall. It sounded as though someone were throwing a block of wood against the floor repeatedly. Naturally, I thought nothing of it at the time.

A short time later, an unnamed member of management returned with my phone/block of wood.

"Rand, I have some bad news. I'm afraid I may have broken your phone."
"No, it cannot be!" I muffled as I looked at my little phone/block of wood with it's horribly shattered LCD display.
"Sorry. I guess you will have to order a new phone."